he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
