I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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