i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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