she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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