just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize