i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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