i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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