Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's rum buckets o'clock
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
