I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
