we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
