Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
