I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You ruined the universe
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
