Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
