I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
