I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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