So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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