I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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