It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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