I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
