elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
