Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
