Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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