Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
