Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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