She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
