The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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