Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
