I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
