i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
