When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
