i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
