i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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