I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I don't deserve a penis
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My life is pants optional.
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