I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
