I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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