I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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