Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
how does that bad decision feel?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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