im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
