I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
