Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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