I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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