Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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