maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
