Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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