Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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