so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
