You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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