hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
