the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize