Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
