you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
