she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
