Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
