my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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