Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize