He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
