dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
