i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
