she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
