her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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