Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
