I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize