beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
