I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
