When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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