I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
